I found me when I looked for Him

I’m happier than I’ve ever been before.

Since I was a child, I dealt with insecurity (as most do). I did not understand how to express myself. I was incapable of loving myself.  Up until rather recently, I pinned my identity on the closest things around me- my family, my school, my friends, etc. I rarely spoke up because I did not see the importance in anything I had to say.

Now I can’t shut up. I talk a lot and I talk fast (working on that last bit, I just held it all in for so long so I gotta train myself to chill out). For most of that time, it wasn’t that I did not know Jesus. It wasn’t that I wasn’t living according to His word. It’s that I wasn’t looking for Him. I was looking for me. Something that does not exist outside of Him.

About one year ago, my friend and I moved to London to serve at a church we’d never been to and live with people we’d never met. I was excited about going, not scared like I normally would have been in a situation like that. I felt like my previous 21 years of life God had been calling me up a ladder, calling me higher and higher. At the end of the ladder, I found a diving board. My fear of heights had vanished during the climb. For some wild reason, I jumped. And all to my surprise, I could swim. Since that trip, I’ve just kept jumping and jumping. Looking for higher feats to jump from. (Metaphorically speaking only. Still hate heights in real life. Again, working on it.)

When I jumped into that situation, there was no longer anything I could base my identity on. There was no self-searching. Just Him. At the end of every tear, every laugh, and every conversation, it was always Him. The more I found Him on accident, the more I searched for Him on purpose.

Although it had not been my intention to “find myself” at that time, that’s what ended up happening. Although it was more of a realization than a finding as it was all already there. I found my passions. I found my quirks. I found my voice. I found my confidence.

Now, I’m in a job I love. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people on this planet. I love myself. And I love Jesus more than ever. The best part is- there’s always more of Him to find. With every new facet I discover, I find a new depth to my joy. I’ve found a rhythm of happiness and it revolves around Him.

So, that all being said, welcome to this blog. I’m a 22 year old who’s a massive geek and massively in love with the One who made her that way.

I don’t have all the answers. I still deal with insecurities and other struggles. I’ve just found out how to live joyously inspite of these things. 

I have had this blog for YEARS and updated sporadically. Consistency has never been one of my strengths. But I’m going to make it one. I want to share with people what I’ve learned (though it may not be much) because somehow the little things I’ve learned have led to big happiness. Hopefully they can make you happy too.


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